My Hero

My Gran is my hero. She is brilliant. She loves to read. She is easily bored. As a young girl, she struggled a great deal. She left home at 21. She moved to the West Coast. There, she chose to educate herself. She chose studies over security. She lived in poverty for many years. She eventually got a job teaching at university. She married late in life. She had a beautiful family. She never stopped learning. She died with a burning curiosity about life.

How does this paragraph flow?
What kind of rhythm does this paragraph have?
Which ideas are highlighted as most important? Least? How do you know?
Are ideas well connected to one another?
Can you tell what the relationship is between sentences?
How would you improve this paragraph?

She lived in poverty seems important because then it goes on to explain how great her life turned out to be. What seems to be least important is when the paragraph states she is easily bored. The ideas do not seem to be well connected to each other because it states she is easily bored brilliant and loves to read and also that she is the authors hero but doesn't provide extra information

Answer Link

mckennasage mckennasage · Answer 2 · 2017-02-01T17:24:09+01:00

The paragraph rhythm and flow? It is a bit jarring. The sentences are much to short. You need more diversity in sentence length. Maybe merge some of the describing sentences to make it diverse. You should not do a lot of little sentences or a lot of long sentences.

Which ideas are highlighted as most important? The shorter the sentence, the more it pops and makes an impact. Like the beginning sentence, "My Gran in my hero." it would make a bigger impact if it were the shorter sentence.

Since we can't rely on that to find the most important ideas we will instead look for repeated ideas. Like the fact the grandmother loved to learn.

The underlying theme is "She is brilliant, curious, and intelligent." The least important would be about when she left home and moved. Those aren't repeated and are just bits of information.

The ideas are connected alright.The parts like "She had a beautiful family." takes away from the original idea, but not enough to mess up the passage.

How would I improve it? I would lengthen some sentences to add variety.